Bloody Bible Stories

I've been reading through Judges of late and it strikes me that some of these stories would make fabulous movies. Plenty of guts n gore, intrigue and backstabbing (sometimes literally). The bible is not G rated, peeps.

I mean we all know about Gideon, yada yada yada, but man, I want to see something about Shamgar. I mean, that fella killed six hundred Philistines with an ox goad. Let's see Chuck Norris beat that!

You know what, I'd love to see the story of Deborah, Barak and Jael. People say there are no good stories about women in the bible, but they clearly never read this one. Deborah was a judge of Israel, and Jael? Jael was no shrinking violet. She killed a man with a tent stake. I seriously doubt my ability to do something like that, I just don't have the guts.

Let's take a look at the story of Abimelech. That is Hollywood material if anything ever was. This man killed sixty nine of his seventy brothers. (Nobody talks much about Gideon's seventy sons and the fact that he had "many wives." It always gets left out of the sermons for some reason.) Only his youngest brother, Jotham escapes. Once he's done with his killing spree he has himself crowned king.

When Jotham (who wants to name their kid Jotham? Anyone? It might make a nice break from the traditional "Joshua." There are definitely too many Joshuas.)  hears this he climbs a mountain and chews out his brother and the men of Shechem, comparing them to trees and brambles before running off and spending the rest off his days in exile.

Abimilech was king for three years, but God wasn't too happy about all his dastardly deeds and he "sent a spirit of ill will between Abimilech and the men of Shechem." The men of Shechem "dealt treacherously " with Abimilech.

A fellow named Gaal (What was his mother thinking?) starts saying things like "Who is Abimilech, and who is Shechem that we should serve him?" and "If only his people were under my hand! Then I would remove Abimilech." Charming guy, this Gaal.

Now Zebul, the ruler of the city  Gaal and his buddies were residing in was angry when he heard of what Gaal was saying (Gaal had also said a thing or two about Zebul and he took offense) so he sent word to Abimilech about the rabble-rouser, saying "Now therefore, get up by night, you and the people who are with you, and lie in wait in the field. And it shall be, as soon as the sun is up in the morning that you shall rise early and rush upon the city; and as soon as he and the people who are with him come out against you, you may do to them as you find opportunity." Nice.

Abimilech thought that was a pretty good plan.

When Gaal went to the gate of the city, ostensibly to prepare his attack against Abimilech, Abimilech and his people rose up from whet they were lying in wait. When Gaal saw them he said to Zebul, "Hey, there are people coming from the mountains!"

Zebul shrugs it off, "Nah, those are just the shadows of the mountains."

But Gaal is persistent. "Those are people!"

To which Zebul responds, "Where's your big mouth now, hotshot?"

So Gaal went to fight Abimilech and was soundly beaten and driven out of the city. But apparently that wasn't enough for Abimilech. He fought against the city; took it; killed the people in it; tore it down; and sowed the ground with salt. Abimilech didn't do things by halves.

When Gaal's cohorts heard this they holed up in the stronghold of temple of the god Berith.

Abimilech heard this, rallied his men and marched to mount Zalmon (that there is an interesting name. Why don't we rename Mt. Elbert and call it Zalmon?) took an ax, chopped down a bough from a tree and laid it on his shoulder, telling his followers, "make haste and do as I have done."

They all took their boughs, followed Abimilech, put their boughs against the stronghold, and set the whole thing on fire. All the people in the stronghold died, about a thousand men and women.

But Abimilech still wasn't done with the bloodshed. He then went to Thebez, encamped against it and took it. However, there was a strong tower in the city and all the men and women fled there, locked themselves in and went up to the top of the tower.

Having already had success with burning the previous stronghold, Abimilech thought he'd do that here too. Unfortunately for him, as he drew near the door of the tower "a certain woman dropped an upper millstone on Abimilech's head and crushed his skull." Buddy, you should have quit while you were ahead.

Anyway, Abimilech called his armorbearer and told him, "Quick, draw your sword and run me through or they'll call me a wussy 'cause I got killed by a girl!"

The armorbearer obeyed and so he died. "Thus God repaid the wickedness of Abimilech, which he had done to his father by killing his seventy brothers."

Yup. That sounds like something Hollywood would be all over. But no, it's a bible story, and therefore it will never grace the screen with its epicness.

(The story of Abimilech can be read in Judges, chapter nine.)